I normally don’t link to other pages in these musings. But today is different. Today is not for me or you. Today is for a bunny. Today is the day that you can save a bunny. Bunnies don’t ask for much from us. They hop around. They wiggle their noses and such. And they’re cuter than a lot of other baby animals. So why would you just sit around when you could be helping a cute bunny from its ultimate demise? Why are you so heartless that you could just sit back and laugh; laugh at that poor bunny? If the bunny could save you, he would. He wouldn’t just sit around, content on hopping all cute like around in a little cage. He would devise a way to get around his obstacles and save you. So do your part, America. Save the bunny.

I came upon a realization today that may, in fact, blow your mind.  You know how most people punish their dogs when they do something bad, like poop in the floor?  They rub their nose in it.  Have you ever stopped to consider that most dogs, if left unattended, will eventually go back to that same poop and gobble it up?  So, in essence, all we’re doing is tempting the dog; giving him a taste of what he was already going to eat anyway.  How is that punishment?  That’s like shoving my face in a bowl of ice cream.  I suppose I might be a little miffed at first, but I know no one else is going to eat it so I’ll probably go ahead and finish it off.  So a new punishment should be that you pick up the poop and let another dog eat right in front of the face of your dog.  That’ll teach ‘em.

Have you ever considered the ironic nature associated with the eating utensils of our brethen to the East: chop sticks? For a culture rich in…culture and stuff, you’d expect them to come up with a better idea than the chop stick. They could at least make bamboo spoons or something. Grasping food items with two thin, straight fashioned wooden sticks is not my idea of easy eating. We white devils had the brain capacity to form one tool that both pokes and scoops most food items, why couldn’t they? They figured out how to make fireworks and the fork is too hard to comprehend? Even the name of the chop stick is ironic. How many things have you chopped with a set of chop sticks? None, that’s how many. They should’ve named it the poke stick rather than the chop stick because that’s generally what westerners do: poke at food with them. We don’t have the finesse to manipulate things with them (heck, even Mr. Miyagi couldn’t catch a fly with them, and he’s a master. Yes, Daniel San did it…but that was just movie magic) because we’re too used to having the luxory of a single, three to five pronged apparatus to eat with. I think the spork is garnering the attention of those billion or so people who live over there. This is a step in the right direction. I assume this is a direct result of KFC being introduced over there. Colonel Sanders-san was alway keen on the spork.

So the McDonald’s now has the Adult Happy Meal. I was very underwhelmed when I bought one. Fist of all, all you get is a salad, a bottled water, and a thing that tells you how many steps you take. In the normal day, I don’t go very far. If I wanted to know how many steps I take between my bed to the couch to the fridge, I could count them myself. I don’t need any of this crazy McDonald’s voodoo telling me. Second of all, this is an “Adult” Happy Meal. When I saw the sign I pulled out a few singles and folded them tent style when I drove up to the drive through. To my dismay there was nothing that had anything to do with things being “Adult.” All in all, though, I must say that it’s not too bad. I’m just waiting until they deversify a little bit and have Happy Meals for all age groups. They could have the Teen Happy Meal, which includes a burger, fries, a drink, and, for the boys, a Playboy stolen from your dad’s collection, and for the girls, an instruction manual on how to throw up everything they just ate so they can continue “fitting in” in high school. Along with the Teen Happy Meal, they could have the Elderly Happy Meal. It would include mashed peas, denture cream, prune juice, and on the box would be a picture of Bob Dole. They could have a random prize inside; because we all know how old people love surprizes. They could include everything from Depends, to Viagra, to a free voucher to test drive a Hover-round at their local dealership. Lastly, they could have the College Happy Meal. Any meal inside is fine because college students will eat anything. The prizes, though, could be anything from bottle openers to the Morning After pill. Come on McDonald’s, don’t leave the rest of the age groups out!

You know, you don’t really see any Grade B, C, D, or F meat or eggs at the grocery store. The USDA must be pretty strict. I mean, maybe the meat slept in late or had a big party the night before the test. Maybe the egg couldn’t find eleven of his buddies. Who knows? But they should at least be given a chance. Nobody’s perfect. Just because the meat has a few more colors than it should doesn’t automatically mean that it deserves bad grades. Green may be the new meat fad; all the cool meat is doing it. And having a crack in the side of an egg is hip; all the gangsta eggs are doing it. The USDA should just let kids be kids, meats be meats, and eggs be eggs. They’re only young once.

Isn’t it neat how Rice Krispies talk to you when you pour milk on ‘em? Have you ever wondered what they’re saying? I have, and I’ll tell you it’s not pretty. Think about it. These little buggers only talk when you pour milk on them. Coincidence? I think not. They’re screaming for their lives, that’s what they’re doing. They aren’t saying happy things like the people in the commercials would have you think. They aren’t going to tell you in the commercials that the lil’ krispies are drowning when you put them up to your ear to hear what they’re “saying,” just like the Soylent company didn’t tell anyone that Soylent Green was freaking people. It deters sells. Remember that scene in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (I know you don’t want to, but work with me people) where the kids were in the cereal bowl? Were they talking about how nice the weather was that day? NO. They were not. Same goes for the lil’ krispies. You know those ones that stick to the side of the bowl? They didn’t just happen to stick to the side, they’re trying to get out. But you know what you do? You scrape them back into the bowl, don’t you? You soulless piece of crap. I can’t believe you. They had families you know. And you know what happens you don’t hear them any more? Yep, that’s right, you’re eating krispie corpses by then. Snap, Krackle, and Pop are running an evil empire, I tell ya. Don’t believe their propaganda. SAVE THE KRISPIES!
I’m kind of hungry…I wonder if we have any cereal.

There have been many inventions to come along in the past 100 years that have been great: the airplane, the automobile, the push-up bra…ahem…where was I? These things have made life a great deal easier for us humans and it’s a good thing they’re around. But something else eclipses these minuscule, unimportant creations: the individually wrapped cheese stick. That’s right folks, without the individually wrapped cheese stick, where would we be today? Some might say that the space shuttle or the internet are more important than these delicious, cylindrical food items of concentrated goodness, but they’d be wrong, very wrong. The individually wrapped cheese stick is great for both the male and female sides of the species. For the female, the cheese stick is small, thin, and is contained in an easy to open package, and it even comes with directions on the back in case the aforementioned female gets lost trying to open it. For the male, the cheese stick is small, thin, and is contained in an easy to open package, and it doesn’t talk back. So there you have it; the individually wrapped cheese stick is the greatest invention of the 20th century.