Daddy Mac Will Make Ya…posted in Past Goodness, People on Aug 15, 2003
It may just be the radiation from all the cell phone use that has subsequently grown a large tumor in my cerebrial cortex talking, but Criss Cross was the greatest rap duo ever! Think about it, how many other famous rappers wear all of their clothes backwards, huh? These talented youngsters were gettin’ “jiggy” with “it,” before “jiggy” was even a word. When you first saw them, you thought they were stupid, didn’t you? But then, slowly, other people started wearing their clothes, namely hats, backwards too. Then, young, “hip,” white males began to do it, until the backwards trend extended into the visor territory. Visors before this time had almost exclusively been worn by golden-aged female country-club afficionados. Wearing visors backwards evolved into wearing visors backwards AND upsidedown. Isn’t that INSANE? Insanely cool if you ask me. You can walk into any large retail chain today and buy visors that look like they’ve already been worn for ten years and run over by a Mac truck, so you can put them on backwards AND upsidedown, just like all of your white, poser, Abercrombie and Fitch lovin’, automitous friends. Isn’t that cool!? You bet it is, because buying over-expensive crap will always be super cool; plus, if for some reason your backwards AND upsidedown visor ceases to be cool, you can always hang it from your rear-view mirror in your boring ’90s model Mustang so everyone on the road will know you’re a complete and utter tool. Now, there are varying degrees of coolness with your brand new (but looks old) backwards AND upsidedown visor. These degrees of coolness are directly related to the angle, turned in a circlular fashion, about the head starting from the front. At 0 degrees, the upsidedown visor is 0 percent cool. You are now a walking snow plow when you wear them like this. At 90 degrees, the visor is at it’s peak of coolness, but it does not do it’s intended purpose AT ALL, as it now blocks the sun away from only your right ear. However, a shaded right ear must obviously be seen as a sexy thing in the lush world of “ganstas” (with an ‘a’, not an ‘er’), thus 90 degrees is where you’ll want to stop. At 180 degrees, the visor is somewhat less cool than it was at 90 degrees, but you can now carry around loose rainwater cupped at the back of your head. At 270 degrees, the visor is now shading the left ear, but, unfortunately for you 270 degree backwards AND upsidedown visor wearers, this is not as cool as its 90 degree counterpart. So there you have it, Criss Cross will be forever known as an everlasting link to young, white male retardedness with the backwards AND upsidedown visor. But where is Criss Cross today, and how can you contact them, you might ask? They are settled now, with many children, the Criss Cross Kids, and are also running for governer of California.