MMM…Styrene-Butadiene Rubber…posted in Food, Past Goodness, People on Oct 10, 2003
So I was at the movie house watching a movie with some friends, you know, the normal stuff, and one of my friends sits in gum. Do you know how disgusting that is? Gum itself is disgusting and a general waste of time as it is, but to sit on a chewed synthetic rubbery substance is apalling; and I didn’t even sit in the stuff! This leads to a few thoughts: 1.)What kind of establishment allows for it’s theaters to go through such a lackluster cleaning process in between movie showings? and 2.)What kind of slackjawed imbecile puts gum in a chair? Does it take forethought on their part or is it a spur of moment thing? “Boy that was a good movie….I think I’m going to put my gum in this chair.” Does this person have some sort of jacked up ADHD or something? “But wait,” you say. “Garret, you called gum ‘a general waste of time’.” You bet I did Missie. Think about it: What does gum really accomplish? Sure, you could argue that gum can help your breath and that it gives you something to chew on if you need it. But guess what: BUY A FREAKING MINT. Mints dissolve. You don’t have to have a plan of action for when you’re finished with mints like you do when you chew gum. “I’m finished with this mint, what should I do?” you think to yourself in complete confusion, you dolt. Well, by that time the mint is either already dissolved, or you could just swallow it. But not so with gum, oh no. With gum you have to take it out and put it back in its wrapper, or find a proper trash receptacle, or roll it up in a napkin, or put it disgustingly on the side of your plate, or spit it on the ground (because everyone loves stepping on gum, and it’s your fault, jerk), or THROW IT IN A THEATER SEAT. Gum also helps in just completely making your mouth mad. It’s p.o.’ed at you for chewing gum. You wouldn’t know it, but it is. It’s not going to tell you though. Think about it; you chew and chew and chew and chew…but you never swallow gum (unless you’re three years old…or a freak). How else could your mouth feel about that but angry? It’s like when you tease a dog with a chew toy or something. You put it right in front of his face and then pull it away; over and over and over again. Oh, he’ll jump every time, and you think he’s having a good time. But that dog is making note of every time you and Rover have your ‘bonding time,’ and one of these days he won’t miss the toy by mistake when he lunges for your throat. This same theory applies with your mouth and gum, only your mouth won’t exactly try to kill you…it’ll just be really tired and stuff.