Ra Ra Sis Boom Ba

posted in Past Goodness, School on Aug 19, 2004

So school is starting to get its gears back in line and I think it’d be a good time to look at some of the mascots that we’ll be seeing on tv rooting for our favorite, but oh-so-unnecessary for the enlightenment of our youth, football teams:
1.) The Colorado State Buffalos: This mighty symbol of slow witted, grass grazing mammals strikes fear into the hearts of…even slower witted, grass grazing mammals. Watch out, here comes the mighty buffalo; standing and eating and pooping all over the place. The poop is so big it’s like a little bear. Who thought that making the buffalo the mascot was a good idea? I suppose that all the good ones were taken.
2.) The University of Minnesota’s Goldy Gopher: Wow, your enemies will tremble with the fear that this big toothed, cute, furry animal will do something crazy, like cut down a tree. Building dams in rivers and getting caught under the very trees they cut down are true signs of a powerful mascot.
3.) The University of Maryland’s Terrapins: Wow. Are you kidding me? Not only are terrapins slow, slow, slow, and slow, they are also the least fearsome animal on the planet. Watch out! The terrapins are coming! They’ll be here in a few hours. Apparently “Turtles” was not as manly, so they opted for the incredibly masculine “Terrapins.” I guess their best skill is to outlive their opponents by 150 years or something.
I think that the best mascot in any league or sport has to be for those with the Redskins. Not only does it exploit our nation’s heritage to great extent, but it also has that little kick that says, “Yeah, we’re racist, what’chu gonna do about it?” Other countries don’t seem to have this problem. I mean, we haven’t seen the Mexican Taco Shell Folders or the Chinese Railroad Builders come up as mascots in their respective countries.