A Magical Story!

posted in Miscellaneous, Past Goodness on Jun 17, 2003

Unlimited adj. Something boundless or without limits. syn: LIMITLESS, endless, immeasurable, indefinate, infinate, etc.
Do I have a story for you. Gather ’round kiddies for a tale of deceit and anger. On a dark a stormy night out in the country, a man called a local ISP for internet service.
“Hello..um..this is L-N-C, right, the gayest and most untrustworthy ISP around?”
“Why, yes sir, it is.”
“Oh good, because I recently moved to the country away from all civilization and I am now out of reach of any sort of DSL or Cable service. This is the only internet service I can get. I got this flier that says it’s only $10 a month for unlimited use.”
“Yes, that’s our flier. But don’t believe everything you read…”
“What was that?”
“Oh, nothing sir.”
“Oh…Well, anyway, I’d like to sign up. Tell me the access number and email account information so I can set it up.”
“No, sir, we like to set up that information for our customers ourselves, in home.”
“No, that’s ok. I’ve done it a million times; it’s a piece of cake.”
“No, sir, I insist.”
“Ok, ok. Fine.”
So, like a vampire, the ISP “technician” (and I do use that term loosely) was invited into the man’s house. The next day, the “technician” came by the house. The sky grew dark and it began to rain.
“Wow, it seems like the rain just followed you here,” the man said.
“Yeah, that seems to happen a lot,” the “technician” grumbled as he walked passed the man and into the house. “Maybe it’s because I’m a piece of crap who false advertises on my fliers and never tells my customers all of the details before they sign up.”
The “technician” made his way into the computer room. He seemed to be having a difficult time managing the computer, as though it was the first time he had seen one of these “magic information boxes,” as he liked to call them. Roughly thirty minutes later he was finished.
“Well, you’re all set up,” said the mouth breathing, large forheaded “technician.”
“Wow, that took you a while. I’m so glad you came over here and did it yourself because it would have been the longest five minutes of my life had I set it up,” said the man, sarcastic as the day is long.
“We like to make sure the customer is number one here at Gay, Screw me in the Butt L-N-C.”
“Oh, I’m sure you do,” replied the man while making a close-fisted, in and out motion in front of his crotch.
The “technician” left quickly after that conversation.
A week went by and the man awoke to find that his internet was not working. He quickly called his service provider to see what was the matter.
“L-N-C, your one stop shop for screw jobs and unreliability. How may I help you?”
“Well, it seems that my ‘top of the line’ 56k internet service isn’t working today,” came the reply from the man. “So why don’t you quit making out with that guy and find out what’s the matter.”
“Well, it seems you have went over your quota of hours for the month,” said the “technician” after a few minutes. “You see, while we say ‘unlimited’, we really mean: ‘we’re hosing you’.”
“Oh, I see. So that $10 could have been better spent wiping my dog’s butt.”
“Yes, sir, that is correct.”
“Ok, well I hope you have a nice time burning in the everlasting flames of your life partner.”
“Will do sir.”
So the man became wiser after that week. He learned to not trust anyone, ever. He was driving home one night reminiscing over the whole ordeal and getting a good laugh out of it when we heard a banging sound outside of his car. He pulled over and opened the door. Dangling from the handle was a hook from the mass murderer that recently escaped the mental institute….and right next to the hook was A 56K MODEM!!!!!!!
Scary huh? The lesson to be learned here folks is to ask. Ask about everything. You should watch out for words like “unlimited” or “we’re a good company that won’t try to screw you.” Those are tell tale signs you may be in for something bad.