Anna Nicole Did It, But Unfortunately, It Didn't Melt Away Ugly

I’m going to invent my own dieting program. It’s going to be called The Sickens Diet. See, all you do, is get sick for two weeks and at the end, you’re sure to lose all those unsightley love-handles. You can start the diet in a variety of ways: go to a public bathroom and lick the doorknob; find a crosswalk downtown and suck on the little button that is supposed to change the lights; or simply ask a stranger to spit in your face. You can even invent your own ways of starting the diet. This system is truly revolutionary! Getting sick is the hard part, but once you come down with something, you can lay back, cough all night, and watch pounds melt away. There are no picky recipes to follow because you’re most likely to just yack it right back up ten minutes afterward! Supermodels have been hiding this secret diet for years, and now you can use it too! All I’ll need is your name, address, and credit card number with three easy payments of $19.95. I’ll send you a tape explaining all these steps and more, including: how to use your wasted tissues to make a fun and exciting art project for the kids; bed-sores and you, what you need to know; and how to get back onto an energetic lifestyle after many days of painful headaches and sore stomach muscles. Act fast, supplies are limited!