Finiteposted in Miscellaneous, People on Sep 4, 2007
Life is a finite thing. We all know this. It’s something that we generally don’t think about, however. Most people don’t generally sit around thinking about the end of it all. There’s no point in it; if all you do is dwell on the end then there’s no time to experience the present. Likewise, you never think about the end of a friendship or whether or not there will be an end. Those things just happen. We all know this, but it’s something that’s not necessarily discussed, so when it happens it’s kind of a shock.
Of course, by now you understand that I’ve gone through a transitional phase with someone I know. “Transitional” being one of those terms we use to mask what has really gone on. This person and I are simply (and amicably – just so people don’t think I had a fight with anyone) not talking to each other for the time being. I cannot and do not know when or if “for the time being” will become a misnomer, changing forever to “anymore” or “in this lifetime.” Such things are unknown to me. But in the wake of this sudden change, my view of many things have been turned upside down. Askew to what was once solid ground, my vision suddenly finds no foothold. It’s as if the keystone has been taken out, and the sides of my arch are about to fall.
Of course, such dramatic speech comes from anyone who finds themselves upended by massive change. I do not hold the only torch in this cavern, and I know it. Everyone has gone through these emotions, and most persevere, but for at least a few days it’s hard to find a bearing with no keel. And of course, I happen to be within this period of time.
What I find to be the most shocking change of demeanor within myself, so far, is that I am suddenly dull to just about anything in my immediate surroundings. It’s hard for me to get excited about much in this current state. Some of you may not find that this is that huge of a change, but I am certainly heightened to it for whatever reason.
“Pulling myself up by the bootstraps,” for lack of a better phrase, seems to be the next step in this process, but – to follow the analogy – for now I seem not to even have the boots to pull. I have discovered, however, upon thinking about all of this, that I am more inclined to get out of the place I’ve physically been for the last half-decade and possibly venture forth into the world. Of course, the impetus for such thoughts are derived from the fact that everything on this campus has the residue of memories from times long past, and that “out of sight, out of mind” is becoming a fair friend to my psyche.
So what to do? Currently I’m sitting in class, so the immediate future is without hope for sanity. After class (and getting back to the point), I have no idea. I’m looking to apply for some positions away from the school, but we’ll see. For the time being I’m just trying to feel things out in this period of uncertainty. The idea that everything could be better in the end is not lost to me, but an acceptance of such things are currently out of reach. I can’t predict the future and I can’t change the past, so we’ll leave it at that. I hope to soon be back to my old self, vociferously enjoying life and all of that good stuff.