Florida Trip: Day 1

It’s 4:52am as I begin to write this on my phone in the car. My family and myself have embarked on an epic journey to the southern tip of Florida in hopes of fame and fortune, or at the very least a good time at the Mickey Mouse House.

Starting from McAlester, OK, at 3am, we’ve managed to trek passed the Texas border, infiltrating the homeland of the infamous Chuck Norris. We have yet to get roundhoused in the face.

5:35am

After a brief stop at some local Texas quisine (McDonald’s), we’ve continued on the road. The sun is slowly coming over the ridge and we are bracing ourselves for a day of intense heat…although we’ll be inside a car for the majority of the time, so up yours Mother Nature!

8:30am

At the border to Luisiana. We made it out of Texas without angering the locals. If we had for some reason, I think our car would be faster than their stagecoaches, but we did leave our six-shooters at home.

We haven’t got anywhere that shows any hurricane damage yet. I don’t know if we even will see things like that, but I assumed the whole state was underwater like Atlantis. So far there has been nothing but dry land, so the map tattooed on the back of Enola was correct!

More to come as the day goes on…and on.

12:36pm

Loo-ee-zi-anna looks like a boot. We’re currently in the “sole” part of the boot. After a quick stop at a local Arby’s on the outskirts of Baton Rogue (complete with pink unicorns), we ventured across the Mississippi River with aplomb. All of my years with Oregon Trail has taught all of the sweet river crossing tricks. We lost no cattle, and so far we’re dyssentary free.

We’re seen multiple signs advertising “hot cracklins’,” which to the uneducated (like we were), are fat chucks of pork that’s deep fried into molten hot, cement hard pieces of evil.

4:26pm

We’re about an hour and a half away from our stop for the night. Our eastward travels on I-10 have taken us through a little bit of New Orleans in addition to Alabama.

We definitely passed a car whose engine decided to explode. Grey smoke plumed down the road and we had to pass through it all like we “were in Nascar,” as my uncle so eloquently put it. Dale Ernhardt never had to escape the speeding ruin of a Ford Taurus, methinks.

The town we’re stopping for the night in is Marrianna, FL. The hotel is supposed to have a pool, which means tonight we’ll be able to stretch our legs in some good water and also our farts will be wet and clorinated.

9:23pm

We arrived at Marrianna, FL around 7pm with a zombielike demeanor. “What, we’re in Florida?” was the question around the car. Also: “Braaiiins.”

We met up with our other crew and stopped a local Inn, swatting flies and other swamp vermin along the way. The weather here is essentially the same as it is in Oklahoma: 100 degrees with super humidity and no chance to breath outside.

After a quick(ish) dinner at Ruby Tuesdays, where the hostess said she liked my shoes then turned into a cold fish while we were talking to her about them. Oh well, she’ll feel bad about it tomorrow.

And lastly for the day, a quick trip to the pool at the hotel helped sooth away the 13 hours or so of driving today. At 9pm the water was warm like bath water. The hottub barely could outshine it. It was like swimming in your own pee, and that’s not as fun as you might think.

And that’s all for day one. Let’s see what day two has to bring!