I Might Have To Register. WTF.

posted in Media, People on Sep 14, 2008

I’m really starting to freak out about this election. A couple of weeks ago when McCain revealed this crazy, moose-hugging Alaskan for a running mate, I was pretty sure that after a couple of days everything would kind of calm down and people would realize she – especially after everything that has come to light since she was introduced – is kind of a hotty nutjob.

But alas, our country pretty much has failed once again. It seems that no matter what comes up about this woman, the elephant party skates free. The yellow dog republicans somehow look through the most opaque evidence of idiocy to see only sunshines and rainbows amidst a potential future of unaborted rape-babies more leaders who know nothing of what they’re supposed to be doing and more bombs bombs bombs in the name of Jesus (and oil).

It’s all almost to the point of being surreal. When I see an article or watch a television show where she speaks, I can’t help but think that I’m in an alternate universe. For example, in a recent interview with Charlie Gibson:

GIBSON: I’m talking about [a foreign head of state], who can negotiate for that country. Ever met one?

PALIN: I have not and I think if you go back in history and if you ask that question of many vice presidents, they may have the same answer that I just gave you. But, Charlie, again, we’ve got to remember what the desire is in this nation at this time. It is for no more politics as usual and somebody’s big, fat resume maybe that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment, where, yes, they’ve had opportunities to meet heads of state … these last couple of weeks … it has been overwhelming to me that confirmation of the message that Americans are getting sick and tired of that self-dealing and kind of that closed door, good old boy network that has been the Washington elite.

So what Americans need is someone who has zero experience talking with any foreign group and they don’t want someone with the exact qualifications as John McCain? REALLY? Did she really just say that? I’m not going to sit here and write that Obama and Biden sip tea with Putin or ride paddle boats with Kim-Jong Ill (who is on his last legs, by the way), but they aren’t stupid enough to turn around and glorify Obama’s lack of foreign experience. Biden wouldn’t say, “Hey, guys, look, here it is: America doesn’t want a president who’s had no experience with anything. Oh wait, that’s what Obama is. Sorry guys, bummer.” But yet again I can’t help but feel that some republicans will hear what Palin said and think, “Yeeeaah, she’s right! We don’t need someone who has been around forever. I don’t want a president who rubbed elbows with Woodrow Wilson at the signing of the Treaty of Versailles; I want someone who is fresh like a bundle of Wal-Mart bananas!” and then turn around and vote McCain into office. I feel like some people who are pro-Palin/McCain (which is really what it is now; McCain/Palin is a misnomer) don’t see the middle of the argument, so to speak, like somehow blinders have been put on where they can only see the beginning (“Hey, fresh new face. AND she’s saying things I want to hear RIGHT NOW! Awesome!”) and then the end (“Well I just voted Repub. I rock!”). Somewhere there’s no middle (“Wait, she just said that she can see Russia from Alaska and that makes good foreign experience. Somehow that doesn’t add up…I can see an IHOP from my apartment window, but I can’t make pancakes very well…hmm…”). It’s like if you ask them the question: “If a train leaves point A going X miles per hour, how long does it take to get to point B?” You get the answer: “Well I don’t know, but it gets there, right? That’s all that matters!”

Now I know such an accusation regarding the whole of the republican party is wrong. Not everyone thinks that way. But to see how successful this Palin/McCain thing has been over the last couple of weeks, something has to be going on. Maybe the republicans are slipping mind controlling drugs into the Luzianne iced tea old, southern white people love so much. Maybe the sight of a comparatively young, attractive woman is shorting the circuits in the minds of grizzled, silver haired voters. Maybe seeing a woman who is so experienced driving her kids to hockey practice gives hope to housewives everywhere that they too, with a comparable degree in journalism or liberal arts and a driver’s license, could potentially lead the free world from the attacks of those heathens who believe in a different God (who pretty much worship the same god just a little differently). Who knows? At this point it’s all up in the air.

Which, this isn’t to say that Obama/Biden is the greatest thing to come about since gogurt, but they do at least seem to make some sense. At least their mere existence as president and vice-presidential candidates aren’t a joke to the sensibilities of the American people.

And let’s not forget this whole “heartbeat away from the office” speak we’ve come to know. I’m about and tired of hearing it, to be honest, however true it might be. Let’s face it, if a small fire happened to start in the upstairs bedroom of one of McCain’s cribs, that place is burning to the ground. There’s no way he’d make it up the stairs in time. We have the very real chance of having this woman for a president, and outside of a bear skinned rug in the oval office, the largest change we’re going to see is someone who has to learn even more names of leaders of other countries than Bush had to.

So you got me, Sarah Neely and Joe Caputo. You win. I might end up having to vote, however worthless a democratic vote in Oklahoma may be. I think I’m going to register in the Bull-Moose party and kick it with Roosevelt’s ghost, though. That’d be cool.