I nearly died today…or, at least, nearly peed my pants

posted in Apartment Life on May 4, 2012

Look at this jerk. I go upstairs for a glass of water, and upon returning to my desk blammo: wasp of doom.

It was bad enough that there was a wasp in the house, and that wasp was HUGE, but it had to land in just the place where I couldn’t swat it effectively without damaging the things I love. With my back to the wall leading into my bedroom, I sidled as silently as I could around and into the room where I hoped to find something large enough and light enough to flip the beast aside.

Watching the fiend from the corner of my eye through the door, I noticed that it was having trouble flying, flapping its wings but not taking off. Being silent, the wasp did not strike the maximum amount of fear into my heart as it could, so it opted to buzz its wings and make a raucous, like a rattle snake about to pounce.

In the bedroom I hunted but found only an old envelope to use for the flipping, the eight and a half inches of safety it provided between me and ├╝ber-demon. It would be like putting my hand to a fire and hoping the flames don’t jump out and burn. Steeling my resolve, I crept back towards the door opening, the incessant buzzing growing louder and angrier.

Crossing the threshold, the buzzing stopped. The beast turned towards my direction and raised itself up defensively on its legs, focusing as much of its multi-faceted compound eye as it could at what approached. I sneaked up slowly, but not as elegantly as I could have; the king wasp began to shuffle impatiently.

With a quick launch my arm I scooped with the envelop. Paper met thorax, and in a flash the wasp left its perch on my laptop and introduced itself to the wall. The angry buzzing immediately continued as it tried to orient its body. Long seconds passed as I hurriedly searched for a shoe to commit the finishing blow. Returning within two shakes, I found the wasp charging across the desk towards me. I raised the heal of the shoe, and struck.

The hit and ensuing shockwave launched the corpse into the air, it landing a few inches away from its origin. The fight had left the beast, but not the specter: its body twitches as I write this.

Seriously, it’s nasty.

Now to have nightmares forever because there could be a nest of these guys inside the house!