This Little Piggy Went to Market

posted in Miscellaneous, Past Goodness on Nov 3, 2005

Should it be ok to use pig or monkey hearts in humans?  Yes.  Sure, why not?  The only side effects could be an incredible craving for slop and to roll around in your own filth; which I do anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.  If you had a monkey heart, then you might like to climb on things (I avoided the obvious “poop throwing” suggestion).  This is, of course, because we all know our souls travel through the heart.  If Animal Farm is any indication, then having pigs as heads of state is a pretty good idea.  I know I wouldn’t mind traveling around in a sweet Nazi car with my brand new pig heart.  And then, once I take control of the other humans with pig hearts, I’ll be the pig-heart-human master.  Afterwards, once we make the regular humans think we like them, we’ll totally go back on those bogus treaties and put them all in the human zoo, where the pig people will go to look at this race of inferior beings.  Soon, we pig-men will have to fight off the humans who ended up with monkey hearts.  Tusks vs. Tails.  The scrap of all scraps.  In the end, when the pig-men and the monkey-brigade end their primal war in a stalemate of lost lives and snouts, the humans will break out of the human zoo to return to dominance and they’ll swear to never put another pig heart into a human body, instead incorrectly assuming that manatee hearts will work, which pump so hard it makes people’s heads explode.