You're In My Comfort Zone

So I see on TV now these electric shavers with 37 (number may be exaggerated) comfort settings. Are you kidding me? What ever happened to just an “On” switch? My gosh, it takes me more time thinking about what setting to put the thing on and whether or not I want it to cook me breakfast and wash my car than it does for me to actually shave. The skin on my face registers about three sensations: Nothing touching it, something barely touching it, and something jammed into it (like a fist). And what’s the difference between setting 423 and 424? Oh I’m sure I’d be able to tell the difference. Since when did men become such pansies to need so many levels of comfort? Back in the day all men (and some women…ew) had to work with was a straight razor. One wrong move and you’ve lost your head. Nowadays these shavers seem to cater to the effeminate male. “Well Lance, what do you think I should set it to? You know my chin just reddens up like a spanked bottom when it’s agitated.” “I don’t know, J. J., you big crazy man.” I mean come on people. I will give a word of advice for anyone thinking about getting a new electric shaver soon: Wait until next year’s model. I hear they’re including doilies and a scented candle.